The Lighthouse Blog
Parenting Tip - Teaching Through Decision Making
Families make decisions and solve problems on a daily basis. Parents must make some decisions, and in those cases children need to learn to follow. At other times parents can involve children and help them make wise choices.
Money, for example, provides opportunities for children to make decisions. Parents can teach children how to save, be generous, and plan for purchases. In one family, Kari, age twelve, and Joel, age thirteen, were each given ten dollars for babysitting. Kari saved her money but Joel spent his right away. A few days later when the family was at a museum, Kari and Joel both wanted to buy something at the gift shop. Kari had money but Joel said, "I wish I would have saved my money so I could buy something here."
It's better for children to learn their lessons with small amounts of money early, than to wait and make a costly mistake later on. Joel's parents honored him by allowing him to make mistakes. They didn't say, "I told you so." They simply allowed him to learn from his own experience, but they didn't rescue him either.
Developing good decision-making skills gives kids the ability to define a problem, look at consequences of various alternatives, and then choose the best solution among the options. Having open discussions about decisions and then allowing children to solve some problems for themselves communicates honor to them. It says, "I believe in you. You have what it takes."
For more practical ideas on developing honor in your family, consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes, In You and Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Parenting Tip - Giving Instructions Clearly
We’ve all found ourselves in situations where adults are supervising children. Some adults have the ability to command attention and get children to listen better than others. All they use is what we call a Firm Instruction, a very important part of the discipline process. A Firm Instruction is quite useful whether you're working with your own children or someone else's.
Good discipline doesn't just mean finding appropriate consequences. In fact, developing the skill of giving instructions can prevent many of the discipline problems we experience. Here's what makes a Firm Instruction work best. To give a Firm Instruction you must first get your child's attention. This may involve things like moving close to the child, obtaining eye contact, or requesting the child remove the earphones. Next give a brief, firm, verbal instruction. You don't have to be harsh or irritated, just calm and matter-of-fact, communicating one-on-one with the child.
After giving the instruction, teach your children how to acknowledge your request. This will help you know that the message was received. A good response is to say, "Yes Mom" or "Okay Dad." This type of response tells you three things. It tells you that the child has heard the instruction, avoiding the common excuse later, "I didn't hear you say that."
The child's acknowledgment also tells you that the child intends to follow through. And lastly, the way the child responds to you indicates the child's attitude at the time. Is this an angry or disrespectful "Okayyyy Dadddd!” response? If so, now you know you're dealing with an attitude problem, not just working on following directions.
Firm Instruction is one step in a complete discipline process, yet it’s often overlooked. Take time to evaluate your instructions and you'll be surprised at how small changes can make a big difference.
This parenting tip comes from the book Home Improvement, the Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
Parenting Tip - Understanding Obedience
We live in a society where an emphasis on teaching obedience sounds to some like heavy-handed authoritarianism. Parents don't want to be dictators so they sometimes move far away from anything that looks like being controlling. This is unfortunate since God is the one who gave the instructions for children to learn obedience. Hidden within this quality are the principles that will make children successful as they get older.
When children learn to obey they learn to give up their own agenda for someone else. They learn to listen to an instruction and follow through with it. They learn how to be responsible, check back, and complete a task. In short, when children learn obedience, they not only make family life easier but they also develop the character that will make them more valuable in the work place, the community, and the world. In fact, learning to obey parents teaches kids what they need in order to obey God.
We say that obedience is "doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded." Children as young as three years old can memorize this simple definition and understand what it means. Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When a parent says, "I can get my children to obey eventually," that's not obedience. Compliance is only part of obedience. When you say to your son, "It’s time to go to bed now," and he says, "As soon as I'm done with this game," that's not obedience; it's an excuse for disobedience.
As parents, it's okay to negotiate and compromise with our children sometimes, but too often children aren't mature enough for this. In fact, they may be demanding, unable to give up their agenda for someone else. Cooperation requires that both people give and take. In order to get to that stage, children must first learn how to sacrifice or follow. Once they learn that, true cooperation can take place.
Teach obedience and you’ll give your children a valuable gift that will be used for the rest of their lives.
This parenting tip comes from the book Home Improvement, the Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
The Funny Side of Parenting
It was the day after Christmas and Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.
Immediately, he thought to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant Jesus.
Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?"
Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church."
"And why did you take him?"
With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Merry Christmas to All :)
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Parenting Tip - The Real Value of Learning To Obey
Children need to learn to obey, but not merely to make their parents' lives easier. We don't teach kids to obey for our own convenience. We teach obedience because hidden within that character quality are a number of principles that will help children to be successful in life.
When kids learn obedience, they learn to consider the needs of others. They learn to be a little less selfish. They learn to fit into the agenda of those around them. They learn to submit to authority.
Obedience involves learning to do what you're asked even when you think you have a better way. The person who has learned obedience knows how to listen to an instruction, how to follow through without being watched, and how to report back when the job is done.
The children who learn obedience when they're young will make better students and better employees when they get older. Furthermore, they will be happier and enjoy life more.
We're not talking about blind obedience. We want our children to learn to evaluate instructions; but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. First children must learn cooperation; otherwise they end up believing that every time they don't like a request, they’re justified to resist it. These children remain selfish and grow up to be whiners and complainers, not able to receive an instruction without an argument.
God knew what he was doing when he gave the instruction to children to "obey your parents." He knew that learning obedience when you're young pays off greatly as you get older.
This parenting tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Parenting Tip - Help Children Change Their Hearts
Too often parents focus only on behavior, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart. Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."
Focusing on behavior change is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice. A change of heart is what children really need though.
Unfortunately, you can't force children to change their hearts. But we can do a lot to motivate them to make the necessary changes. We've identified several tools that, when used properly, address the heart. First, use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you know the long-term consequences of such behavior. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.
Another way to influence a child's heart is to use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing quality, the ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There's a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.
Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you're angry because I said no, you need to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you're ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It'll take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a Positive Conclusion together. Talk about what went wrong and why it was wrong. Address heart issues, not just behavior and help children see things from a deeper perspective.
You may think of some other ideas but whatever you do, don't rely on simple behavior modification techniques. They don't go deep enough and often don't address the real issues.
To learn more about how to help children change their hearts, consider the book Home Improvement by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Parenting Tip - Bad Attitudes Come In Three Arenas
A bad attitude is a challenge to family life and frustrates many a parent. Furthermore, if children don't learn how to deal with their attitude, they grow up to be adults with bad attitudes. One way to help children overcome a bad attitude is to take it apart and help them deal with it in smaller pieces.
Children are tempted to have a bad attitude in three prominent areas: when given an instruction, when corrected, and when given a "no" answer. One mom put a sign up in her kitchen listing those three areas with the heading, "Three opportunities for a good attitude."
Take time to talk about attitude with your children. Discuss the importance and benefits of a good attitude. Help your children understand these three areas and even warn your child when one of them is coming. Coach your children to have a better response.
The next time your child demonstrates a bad attitude, don’t just point out the negative but teach how to respond rightly. When given an instruction, a child might say, "Okay Mom," in a pleasant tone of voice. When corrected, it would be helpful to say, "I'm sorry." When receiving a "no" answer, children might say to themselves, "Okay, maybe another time."
A bad attitude is often a sign of an angry heart and the groaning, rolled eyes, sarcasm, stomping feet, or disgusted look are all attempts to communicate unhappiness with the situation. Gently point out these bad habits and help your children to practice better responses. Be careful of your own harshness in the process and look for ways to break the problem down into manageable pieces.
This parenting tip comes from the book Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes In You and Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN
Parenting Tip - It's Like a Bonsai Tree
The word "discipline" used in the Old Testament is translated from the Hebrew word, "chanak," and means "to train." Training implies guidance to a particular goal. I (Scott) remember visiting a bonsai exhibit with many small beautiful trees, each in their own pot. Next to each tree was a card telling the story of that particular tree. In particular, I was interested in how long the training had been going on. Many had been in process for 30-40 years and one began its training over 100 years ago.
Training takes time. Too much force will break a branch and too little care returns the plant to the wild. The same is true with children. Firm consistent discipline is needed to guide and direct kids. Some parents are tempted to have a few big consequences to "really make an impression on this kid." Rather, many small corrections and consequences would be more effective.
Many of the problems children have are either behavioral habits or character deficiencies. It would be nice if they could have a "burning bush" experience that would change their lives instantly, but it usually doesn't happen that way. Even Moses had to spend forty years in the desert as a shepherd leading sheep before he was ready to lead people.
Change takes time and many small corrections and reminders can contribute to long-term change in your child. So, choose a character quality your child needs, define it, think of ways to implement it, and pray that God will use your daily words and actions of correction to help your child make the heart changes necessary.
This tip comes from the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Parenting Tip - Kids & Conscience
God has placed a conscience inside each person. The primary function of the conscience is to point people to a personal knowledge of God. Romans 2:15 describes the conscience as an internal witness inside non-believers that acknowledges God’s existence.
The conscience has other functions as well. The conscience provides internal prompters to children to do what’s right, but many parents miss opportunities to strengthen these prompters. Instead, parents emphasize parental prompters. One of the ways to increase the strength of a child’s internal prompters is to send children on missions where they have to rely on internal prompters and then take initiative themselves.
Instead of saying, “Johnny, go clean up the Legos in the playroom,” you might say, “Johnny, please go look in the playroom and see if you can find anything out of place in there.” Teaching children to see what needs to be done is the first step toward motivating them to make changes on their own. You might also say, “Oops, Jenny, think for a minute,” as she’s about to leave the table without helping to clean up. Or, “Jim, would you please think of a way you can help in these frustrating few minutes before dinner?”
Raising the awareness often requires that parents allow children to fill in some of the blanks by seeing what needs to be done for themselves and then taking initiative to do it.
This parenting tip comes from the children’s program curriculum Hero Training Camp. It’s the conscience development course for kids. The parent’s component to this curriculum is called Everyday Parents Can Raise Extraordinary Kids.
This parenting tip comes from the children’s program curriculum Hero Training Camp. It’s the conscience development course for kids. The parent’s component to this curriculum is called Everyday Parents Can Raise Extraordinary Kids.
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